"The Shaykh's wife had remained silent for a while, but she was listening attentively.

She stood up and picked up the empty glasses of tea as she said, "You men do what you want. My tool is my heart - I feel the Prophet in my bones. When I read something, I know if I am in the company of the Prophet or some devil."

The Shaykh smiled and touched her hand while proclaiming, "May Allah bless you Umm...If all of us had a heart likes yours, we would not have a problem. But when the heart wanes, the intellect must come to its aid."

She smiled as she prepared to leave the room and said, "Ya Shaykh 'Id, when the intellect wanes, the heart must come to its aid."

I knew that both of them were right. Both the heart and the intellect needed to be developed and strengthened, and both the heart and intellect needed to become allies. I also knew that both my heart and intellect were not sufficiently developed or strong. So I went home and picked up a green notebook, and called it the "Book of Ignorance." I would diligently write in it all the things I wanted to know but could not know. In two days, I was writing too frequently and so I changed the title to "The Book of Suspended Judgement." I recorded every report or thought or piece of information I puzzled over but did not feel equipped to properly evaluate. I resolved in my mind and heart to return to all the listed issues and scrutinize them as the Shaykh had said. Over the years, I found that I would go to the notebook and scratch off an item as resolved, only to come back to rewrite it in again in the following week. That poor notebook had become plagued by pencil and ink marks on nearly every page. Eventually, I learned that to suspend patience is the earmark of piety and humility. Now, I write my judgments in my mind, and suspend judgement in my heart, of perhaps I write my judgments in my heart and suspend the m in my mind. I t did not matter, and does not matter, as long as my heart and intellect are balanced and allied, I aid one with the other, and I live in a state of equanimity. I patiently endure the thorns, but I invariably enjoy the flowers.

July 2000

-Khaled M. Abou El Fadl, "The Book of Suspended Judgment," Conference of the Books: The Search for Beauty in Islam, p. 232